Depression 101

  Another day,Another day I will try to forget. Depression is a bitch,let me tell you. One day you have it all and you are on top of the world and another,you are way down in the gutter. Lucky if you get to keep it all,not that it matters. Depression doesn´t pick or choose. It just comes out of nowhere,in and out,out if you´re lucky. It comes in waves and when the wave comes,oh this bitch hits you hard and washes it all away.Happy?Lucky?Let me just take it all away,buddy.None of it will matter when I am done with you.Anyways,got one of these waves hitting me pretty hard and today,I think I will just sleep through it. Really do not feel like facing the world right about now. So,today I will spend in bed,try to sleep and hopefully tomorrow,I will get to sleep for longer so that I do not have to deal with this shit. Hopefully soon,I will ride it out and back to the real world like nothing happened and nobody will know any better.
   So this plan of mine kinda is working,kinda not. I slept one day through,and another day more but sadly I am a human being,meal here and meal there,means I need to go out and get some more grub. As much as I loathe human interaction,I have to do this. I do not intend to wave goodbye to this world just yet and I sure as hell am not leaving from hunger. Anyways guess I gotta go but thank God,there is this 24/7 place five minutes away.God forbid,I will go in the middle of the day being the weirdo that I am,so let me just get back to sleep and get back to you, once it´s night time.


   So I´m up and ready to go. Gotta get this done,deep breath and out I go. This is not so bad,nice fresh air,oh look,people. Well this didn´t last long. So much for avoiding a fellow man. This is so weird. From here it looks as if though their faces are melting. Funny that,almost nightmarish though. Pale in color under the street lights,morphing together as they walk. Must be still half asleep,need some coffee. Maybe too much sleep,heck if I know and I would not be surprised as
that´s all I know lately. The faces are getting closer. Do not look at them,no human contact,please just let me do this. I can hear them laugh,I can feel their eyes on me. They are laughing,judging,preying on me. I can hear and see those people across the road notice,they staring and laughing as well. Leave me the fuck alone. I walk past,speed up and I´m there. So bright. God,
it´s night time. Have some respect dude. Just gotta get what I need and get the fuck out. At the checkout now,this guy is giving me the look. The look which says,you´re a mess,get your life together. I don´t need your look or opinions, so get to it,buddy. Of course I just think that to myself,I am too much of a nice doormat kinda guy, to say that.
-“The world is built on the pain and sorrow,with your tears further cementing that legacy.”
-“Excuse me?-I say
-“Twenty bucks exactly”-cashier says.
-“That´s all I got with me anyways”-I say handing him the twenty.

   This depression shit sucks. I swear,When it comes over you,it does so,hard. Every word feels like a dagger and every face feels like it´s judging you,but you just put a smile and nod. Nobody will know. Anyways,my place.That was hell,let´s not do that again and sleep through the rest of my life,I think. After grabbing a snack,or two,I am back in bed and hope tomorrow,I do not wake up, with a small part of me screaming,life,please get back on track.Make it all go away and get me out of this very dark place.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Performance anxiety

Image
   I´m so nervous. This is my first time. Hands shaking uncontrollably. Never really felt this way. It is like they are not my own. Sweat dripping all over me. All over my face and down my brow. I feel my whole body shake. I don´t feel steady on my own two legs but I know,I will get used to it with time. I know it will be alright. Besides,I have the best tutor. Nerves are natural,he said,and it would be strange not to be nervous. It will get better. Still hear that in my mind,which by the way is a nervous wreck at this point. I can´t think straight. All I can think about is making sure it goes down well,it´s perfect. It´s my first time but still.    Here we are,student and the master so to speak. About to begin the show. I am a wreck and he has seen it all. Thank God he is by my side. I do need the guidance even though we practised a dozen times,i still need all the help I can get I want to be perfect. At the moment he is giving me the talk,it will be alright,he s...
Read more

Drifter

Image
Alone.On the road. Kicked and kicked out. Struggling,fighting. Looking and searching.No goal,no destination,no beginning no start to the journey. Always on the road,on the move,keep going forward,never look back. No family,lonely,by himself.No place to call home,nobody to call his own. Nothing to come back to,nowhere to go to.No love.Broken,heartbroken,useless,discarded. Used and abused,bruised and shattered. No love,no hope just sex,survival,struggle. From day to day,from sunrise to sunset. Seen,heard,knows and struggles. Fights it,numbs it,never looks back. Moving on. Keeps going. New people,new faces,new voices,new memories. Same notions,no devotion,broken,shattered,left behind and leaving behind. Back on the road,alone and lonely. New chapter,same story. New day,same life. Hoping,praying,struggling,surviving.   
Read more

At the top of the hill

Image
   Old wooden church at the top of the hill. Some people say cultists gather at night to worship the demons. There were tales of sacrifice,people captured and kept there. Chanting has been heard from a distance by some and blood has been found in the area.Whether you believe it or not it seems like something,something is going on there. Some people speak of salvation and say that church does a great thing,helps people. Maybe it does but nobody speaks openly about what they see or hear at night and now. Now it is time to find out. The angry crowd gathered outside the church at night,they are determined to find out what is happening in their house of worship at night,whether the rumours are true and if they are,the cultists,those who abuse the faith will pay. As a the crowd approached the church,the doors flung open. People in cloaks and capes,covered in blood,carrying stones and books ran out.Screams were heard from within. Some managed to escape through the crowd while so...
Read more